Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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