He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
