I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
