I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
