I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
