porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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