I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
