I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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