My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
