I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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