I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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