I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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