A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
