what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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