Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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