Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
