If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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