I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
