I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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