I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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