My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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