First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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