First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
