You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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