I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
