I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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