Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
