1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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