one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
