If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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