I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
