i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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