So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
