Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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