Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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