everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Sorry about my life...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
