i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I could make wine with my vomit
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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