The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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