You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
please don't ironically join a cult
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