how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
