If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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