OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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