So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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