woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
