you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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