I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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