Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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