ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
