you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
