Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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