he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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